Gamers’ Perfume

Anybody who has been to a long weekend LAN will know that personal hygiene is not really on the list of gamers’ priorities, let alone near the top of such a fictional list. The gamers will tend to pass out at their tables from exhaustion. If there is no time to get up and fall onto your sleeping bag in the corner, then there is no time for personal hygiene.

Brushing your teeth is considered optional, and in some cases your two day old breath could be the advantage you need when playing against an opponent sitting close by. One deep exhale will set you on the path to victory.

Toilet etiquette is also left at the door, and often the public facilities are nowhere near a level of acceptability. Doing a hop scotch over the debris on the floor is a nice past time while you wait for your next round.

The number one personal hygiene problem experienced during a LAN is our old friend Body Odour. The saying is that if you can smell yourself you have waited too long for your next spray. Stretch this over the course of a weekend, add a few adolescent boys with raging hormones causing uncontrollable new bodily behaviours, sprinkle in a few tense rounds of gaming, and finally mix with no air conditioner and you have a recipe for BO Disaster!

Luckily for all gamers out there El33tonline has come up with our very own range of perfumes and deodorants, specifically for our gaming fraternity.

+1 Desire

There will come a time in every gamer’s life when they will cross paths with the rarest of species: the female gamer. When this occurs a male gamer will need every advantage over the hoard of other male gamers in the vicinity. Female gamers are hard to attract, so why not make it easier with the new +1 Desire fragrance? In the age old tradition of Dungeons and Dragons, the +1 Desire will allow the wearer to be more desirable to the opposite sex, perfect to stand out in the sea of gamer wannabes.

A sweet scent of confidence with a touch of arrogance and includes sight molecules to make you lose your thick rimmed glasses, and to make her half blind.

HD High Definition

Size matters. If anyone tells you any differently, it is because their monitor is puny. If they tell you that their colour reproduction is better, then they are using an old CRT that weighs a ton. Let them try to explain to you that SD graphics will always be cool, and they most likely own a Wii.

But you are living in the age of High Definition. You need something to push your new graphics card to the max, and you want to see every pixel as the developers designed it to be seen. You have the monitor to prove your size theory, now wear the fragrance that confirms that the High Definition age has finally arrived in its entirety.

A strong flavor of compensation with a hint of deflection and pixel envy.

F.R.A.G.

Gaming takes a lot out of you. One of the substances taken out of you the most is sweat. The more active the gamer, the more sweat becomes a problem. Introducing FRAG – For Real Active Gamers, a fragrance strong enough to blow the competition away.

FRAG comes in a handy grenade shaped bottle which can either be used in a single application, or when the situation so requires, the cap can be pulled off and the bottle lobbed into a room full of stinky gamers.

The heavy antiperspirant slowly exposes a slight breath of cool air under the armpits.

Camping

When a serious gamer needs a serious strategy, there is normally one of two strategies that will prevail. The first of these is the “Run and Gun” strategy, but this often leads to a 50 / 50 chance of being the first one to die. A much more sensible strategy is Camping.

While wearing the new fragrance, Camping, you will not only be harder to spot, you will also be impervious to slander such as “camping ho” and “does your momma know you are a camper.” Camping allows you to sit out the rest of the round waiting for the perfect shot to end the game. If it does not arrive at least you will end the game with your dignity and honour intact.

With an almost imperceptible scent, a finer investigation reveals a smokey flavor with a hint of cowardice.

Fear Bottled

Fear can be a gamer’s second greatest enemy, right behind a 13 year old with a foul mouth. After years of testing, Fear has finally been bottled up. With the unique twisted container there is no need to apply Fear. If you leave it bottled up long enough it will eventually explode in a fine mist that will make your enemies fear you, and you fear no-one.

The twisted scent will at first not be determined until the mist is released. This mist has a remarkable smell, based on an ancient Tibetan goat’s urine. This is not similar to human urine. At all. And it never will be.

Scent has an asparagus tint with a whiff of old potpourri.