5 things I don’t like about Borderlands 2

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Borderlands 2 has to be one of my favourite games of 2012, in fact I feel pretty comfortable saying it’s one of my favourite games of all time.

I’ve spent countless hours completing missions in Pandora, slaying skags, psychos and scarier things that definitely go bump in the night, and I’ve enjoyed enticing fellow vault hunters to jump inside the crusher at Ellie’s place (it’s perfectly safe, give it a go). I’ve taken Tiny Tina’s fiery skag-pet for a ‘walk’ (while trying to make sure that Dukina didn’t get too jealous), battled the mighty Saturn and numerous dangerous constructors too. I’ve levelled up to 50 (Ding!), faced off against Vermivorous the Invincible multiple times in search of legendary weapons, and slain Terramorphous who once struck fear into the heart of my Siren.

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To sum it up I’ve had an awesome time. As a result writing my Top 5 list of what I love about Borderlands 2 will no doubt end up being a Top 100 list. So to make things more interesting I have decided to create a Top 5 list of what I don’t like about Borderlands 2. Admittedly they’re mostly tongue-in-cheek because Gearbox Software has made (in the words of Derek Zoolander) a really, really, ridiculously good looking game, but I hope you enjoy them nonetheless!

Number One

It takes time and energy to travel the many lands of Pandora and gather money. It’s hard work opening so many chests, running through green flesh-eating lava and risking possible death by leaning over lofty cliffs to collect the cash. And then Moxxii lures us into giving it all to her!

Moxxii with her heart tattoo, rosy cheeks and top hat, the self-proclaimed Queen of Hearts coyly standing behind the bar and tempting us to tip her in $100 and $1000 increments! Sure in the beginning she will give you a couple of nice ‘Touch’ weapons, but pretty soon she’ll just take your money without even batting an eyelash. And not just a couple of pennies either, $50 000 and not even a ‘thank you vault hunter’!

She’ll have you scouring the lands for naughty posters, and get you addicted to slot machines too. Yet, we all love her – all’s forgiven Moxxii…see you soon in Sanctuary!

Borderlands 2 - Moxxii!

Moxxii, a buxom bartender with stories to tell and guns to trade

Number Two

Scooter’s Catch-A-Ride is a feature that you’ll use time and time again while exploring the dusty deserts and caustic caverns of Pandora. Scooter’s vehicles are handy in covering the large expanses of the world, and in taking out some of the bandits that live there as well. Just don’t be late in catching your ride, otherwise the impatient vault hunter behind the wheel may well hoot until you get in!

You could be rifling through skag poo to secure some much-needed ammo, chatting to Ellie (in a purely platonic way, of course), or in a menu simply assigning a skill point when you’ll hear the sound of ‘toot toot’ echo across the wasteland.

Oh, who am I kidding, I totally love it – all aboard!

Borderlands 2 Screenshot 5

Catch-a-Ride, where the cars are free and appear mag-i-cally

Number Three

There once was a time when my Siren was a young vault hunter, her backpack could only hold a few items and she thought that Handsome Jack was the biggest of her problems. It’s hard to remember those days now that she’s a Level 50 ‘Slayer of Terramorphous’ who is packing legendary weapons! It was during this early time that she ventured far inland with her crew and began one of the most hard-fought battles that soon became renowned throughout the land. The battle of Saturn!

Saturn was enormous, in fact his yellow frame appeared at times to block out the very sun around which his namesake orbited. The battle was long, the battle was furious, and in the end we eventually ran out of ammo. Heated discussions ensued, but one fact was agreed by all on the vault hunting crew: not everyone should go back for ammo at once in case Saturn, the mighty boss loader, should perchance respawn.

Borderlands 2 - Not Saturn!

Disclaimer: Saturn was way, way bigger and badder than this yellow robot

Everybody ran to resupply their ammo, and before we knew it the whole crew was opening chests and collecting as much fire-power as we could to take Saturn down. You guessed it, we had all unwittingly gone at once! But surely Saturn wouldn’t respawn? We had him down to half-health. We nervously ran back, only to discover that Saturn had in fact respawned and was ready to eat our bullets for teatime snacks, let our grenades tickle his tummy, and generally laugh at our attempts to use our special abilities on him.

Guess we had the last laugh though, as eventually Saturn did fall and we gleefully ran it to ransack his mechanical corpse. But it turns out that Saturn had a cunning trick up his sleeve, a well-placed constructor on the bridge above him that tested our battle prowess yet again. We returned to the scene of the crime later on, once we were nearing Level 50, and fearlessly faced the mighty Saturn once again, this time with less apprehension about restocking ammo supplies.

Borderlands 2 - Saturn!

Cast your eyes upon the mighty Saturn!

Number Four

True vault hunters leave no chest unopened in Pandora. You just never know what you’ll find in the safe, never know what will be lurking inside that abandoned toilet, and yes, you’ll even dig through that pile of steaming skag poo to see what items you can collect. Sometimes your fellow vault hunters will grow restless and move on to the next area…and it’s then when the evil loot midget will choose to strike!

Two things are true when you innocently open up a chest and a loot midget jumps out to surprise (read attack) you: your friends will be nowhere in sight, and he will be very much stronger than you are! Something jumping out at you from chests or lockers which are normally enemy-free is very disturbing, but when that something is a screaming midget that is sure to kick your ass you’ll feel that you’ve somehow warped into the Disturbia music video by Rihanna.

Beware the loot midget. He’ll catch you out every time! And it’s totally awesome when he does.

Borderlands 2 - Midget!

He may look small, but he packs a punch!

Number Five

The last of my reasons for not liking Borderlands 2 is a very serious condition. It develops once you fall prey to the ‘Eat, Sleep, Loot’ mentality that usually occurs shortly after purchasing the game. It has been known to cause red eyes, tiredness, and general inability to concentrate. I’m speaking of course about Borderlands addiction. The symptoms can include twitchy fingers, hearing skags when you’re out for a walk in the park, looking through boxes and, more disturbingly, garbage for loot, and even finding yourself disappointed that vending machines don’t talk back to you.

Sitting at work wishing you were in Pandora can also lead to severe withdrawal and you should seek the help of a senior vault hunter as soon as you experience any of the symptoms mentioned above.

Borderlands 2 - Level Up!

Going up. Ding!

What are your experiences with Borderlands 2? We hope you’ll share them with us below!